Stronger

Now, now, now, that, that that don't kill me - Can only make me stronger!

I feel that only after a short amount of time I have really become a stronger person. I don't let the evil anxiety demon take over my every waking thought. I, for the first time in many, many months can have a rational argument.  Now don't go thinking I am certifiably crazy now, I don't completely contribute this to my medication, I contribute it to the fact that I stopped thinking that irrational being was really who I am or all I can be.

It has given me a sense of security like a baby with a blanket. I won't scream, unless absolutely necessary, I won't cry, unless absolutely necessary, and I won't shake from the inside, that is never necessary.

I am stronger, or really, I have always been strong, but it has just been hiding behind this shadow of a person I can be, a person that can rock this world.

Is someone going to help?

Why do we turn the other way as a society when we see wrong doing's? Is it fear or apathy?

This past week of have been told a few stories to where I have asked myself, why didn’t someone step in and help these people?

One was of a little boy and girl who are always unattended and when the parents are seen they scream things such as "get your asses in the house". I asked the person that witnessed this and asked “why haven’t you reported them?” He said I didn't think I had enough proof of anything... Two small children wandering blocks from their house and being screamed and cursed at, I say you have enough proof. Call DCFS and have it investigated. Especially since this wasn’t an isolated incident. He lives in this person’s neighborhood and see’s it happening often.

The second story was of couples that was targeted because they are gay and were assaulted and no one helped them. People heard the attack, were outside while it happened and not one person called the police. Doesn’t make me feel very safe!

I’m not saying to become a vigilante or anything but open your eyes and if something seems shady, it probably is…

From the land of crazy...

No real update on the anxiety part, I believe that takes time, but good news is that this medication makes my food taste really weird...so we may not have a huge issue with weight gain, and as a stress eater, this may be a win win situation.
And I have had some really good sex too, so I am quite pleased with the first week results.
Here's to more progress for week two.

Cowboy up and put your game face on...

I have officially lost all will and desire to party. I am inclined to believe it is due to my binge drinking and partying at the tender age of 14. I was the life of the party, and not always in a good way. I cringe a little when I reflect back upon my reckless behavior. Although I am glad I went through it. I think I got it all out of my system and now I’m done.

Over time days have become more important than night. I prefer to be non-hungover where I am productive and feeling well. I don’t miss the dry heaving or saturated smoke smell you get while in a bar. This has definitely been a slow process but I will attest that the candle has officially been blown out and I don’t ever want it re-lit.

That said, I will still enjoy my wine, I just want it without shots, dancing, and dark bars. Is anyone with me, or am I all alone at 30?

Crazy has left the building...

I took a big leap yesterday. I have been toying around for years with my emotional state and blaming my constant anger, frustration, sadness, happiness, goofiness on who I am and just accept it. But over the last few months I have realized that this constant state of emotional flux may be greatly due to circumstances I just can't wrap myself around. I have tried a myriad of medications. Some good, and some not so good. I have tried homeopathic creations, self created concoctions, and still have not made it over the mental hurdle.

With my stress needle hovering perilously close to red...I decided to take action and am now after doing the mambo with my insurance company taking some medication.

I am nervous, is this the answer?

Being on medication is causing me anxiety so hopefully it is the right choice for me. My even bigger fear - the side effects. Weight gain or loss, hopefully the latter. Lower sexual drive, can't go much lower so maybe it will go back up? Reverse psychology right? All in all every drug has its share of side effects, but if I can not feel like my heart is beating out of my chest or rage that could take over like the Incredible Hulk, its a great day for me, and especially those who have to live with me.

IT happened

It, yes IT! The one thing parents dread with small children, that you thought had been sleeping...soundly...in their bed for 4 hours. "Why is mommy crying??? What are you guys doing?" she says. Are we really to the locking the door point? I am mortified. Quick excuses and complete embarassment. I can't even share the excuse we made up, as it in itself is utterly embarrasing and hardly plausible. But that is the one thing we have to our advantage, you can sadly, easily fool a five year old. And you know it is not like the pause button on the VCR, you can't just push 'play' after that.
Have I permanently scarred my child? Will she have some seriously crazy flashback when she is older? I am sure she will use it against me at some point, like I know what you were doing, GROSS! It's kind of like the realization that the family dog did not go to a FARM.

Whatcha sayin doc, I got saggy boobs?

The girls are officially ordered and I'm so excited. At my consulation yesterday I was told that I was close to needing a lift...are you kidding me. My boobs aren't perky, but a lift, isn't that for people who tuck their flap jacks in their pants? After that rather rude comment I was ready to leave but decided instead to let it slide, take the ego blow, and schedule the fun.

I know its going to be painful and A LOT of money, but afterwards I will have some really fun large boobs. I'm looking forward to pretty new bras, low cut shirts, and having lots and lots of crazy I feel like a stripper sex.

Can we have this conversation?

Do you have conversations with your friends, family, significant others that get heated? Are there topics you can or can't discuss? It is your communication style that is the issue, or the topic you are discussing? Is it when, how, why, and with whom you have the conversation.
I am not scared of an intense conversation. I enjoy debating. But you know when you hit the point in a conversation that it has gone too far or hit a nerve.
I have discovered the most challenging subjects aren't always the usual suspects, what pushes your buttons? Pushes their buttons...

Gross Incompetence...

A person suddenly becomes ill and goes to the ER for help. In light of recent discoveries of hospitals grossly neglecting their patients, I had the misfortune of it happening to one of my own. My sister went into the ER with a distended stomach and severe pain. She was left in a room for 2hours; finally a doctor came in for 60 seconds only to say "there isn't anything I can do until you get a CT.” 3 hours later she gets a CT, 3 hours after that she is told she is fine and thrown some pain medication. She got zero explanation of the test results, possibilities of why she was in pain, nothing. They gave some lame excuse of lost paper work and said adios.

I ask you where else other than health care is it ever acceptable to treat a paying customer like shit? If I go somewhere and am mistreated, they no longer get my business. So in the end she got nothing but incompetence and a HUGE bill. Where's the fucking justice in that?

Update on my birthday

So thought I would share a little update on my birthday, today is the blessed day. It has been a great birthday so far. Other than being completely depressed because I realized I share a birthday with George W. Bush (the current) and after feeling like I may hurl. It has been a very relaxing birthday so far.

I started my birthday celebrations off by getting a tattoo, my very first one, with my girlfriends. Three of us got one and I can't tell you how cool it was. And I am totally ok with seeing it on my foot when I am 90 years old because it was one of the most amazing experiences I have had. It is our design, so sorry, no pictures to share.

We preceded to have some great food, and drank my most favorite beer, well a few, and for those of you who know Utah only serves 3% beer, and this 10.50% beauty made my night.

Now after laying in the sun while the kids play, drinking coffee for hours, answering the phone with a few birthday wishes, and to cap it off, a family dinner.

All in all a wonderful birthday. Made a few wishes for the year, and hopefully to top it all of a little birthday sex, a girl can wish can't she.

Alarm clock not needed....

Why do I set my alarm clock? I have a husband who gets up every morning at 6:27 to potty and children that no matter what time they go to bed get up before the sun comes up.

Yet, every night I set the alarm clock. Isn't that the definition of crazy? It would actually be a gift in disguise if I woke up and it was past 7 a.m. Work shmirk, momma needs some sleep.

Part Two - I HATE DOCTORS & HOSPITALS

I hate DOCTORS...

I hate doctors. I hate going, I hate talking to them, I hate them. Yesterday, I begrudgingly went to the dentist, which is by far the most hated of all. However, I have been so neglectful of my teeth that they have begun to break one by one, soooo I guessed it was time.

I decided to go to a new dentist due to the fact that I have completely alienated the last one by my constant cancelations and then leaving a few times when I lost my nerve. They eventually realized it was best to put me in a room immediately after check in.

So anyway, he was nice enough, he seemed reputable. I told him to get it all done in one visit because I would not be coming back anytime soon. Which resulted in my mouth being cut to shit. My futile attempt at eating last night left me very hungry. I should have accepted the damn pain medication he offered, stupid, stupid, stupid. I didn’t want to seem like some drug fiend, which I am, but I don’t want some stranger doctor to think so. Where’s that logic?

I’m pretty sure my phobia is completely irrational since I’m going tonight to get a tattoo and am not the least bit nervous. Yet the thought of returning to the dentist makes me queasy and I immediately start sweating...go figure...maybe hypnotism would work.