MD and baby talk?

If you’re a doctor aren't you a little too mature and I don't know smart to talk baby talk? I took my dogs to the vet yesterday, and bless his heart, he's a very nice man, he talked baby talk.

Now, I'm sure they enjoyed it, it is the only attention they have gotten all month. The fact that I even took them is a huge feat. After having a thermometer inserted in their bum, 2 sets of shots, blood drawn, toe nails clipped, they were still happy as larks with the incessant baby talk. Says a lot for what a shitty dog owner I am.

In fear of laughing at the dwoes the dwoggy waggy wanna bone crap...I avoided all eye contact and kept my answers to a simple yes or no. I am now saying that this is yet another task that will be left to my husband.

Happy Almost Birthday to Me

It is almost my birthday! Nine days to be exact. I will be 34 years old. I have incredibly mixed emotions. 1) I feel old, yet 2) I still kick some serious ass.
But I thought I would let you all into my incredibly weird world, I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY. I hold this day very sacred. Much of this comes from the fact that I love to be the center of attention, I love to be celebrated. It is not about the presents, it is about the attention. And when you are done gasping, at least I am honest.
And just so you don't think I am completely narcissistic, I love other people's birthdays too. I try to make their day as special as I would want my birthday, and I spend hours picking out the most meaningful gifts, something that is truly 'that' person. This is not only for the celebration, it is an opportunity to see that person get sloppy drunk after several Jagermeister shots, and if its a really good night... doing some wicked moves on the dance floor, and if you are really, really lucky maybe a 'lil "running man." You only live once right.

Top 10 Fetishes

We have talked about some weird ones before - but I came across a top ten list, completely randomly of course, while on my lap top....

Number 10. Stomachs
Number 9. Body Piercing
Number 8. Leather, Rubber, Vinyl, Latex (not in any particular order)
Number 7. Domination and submission (also not in any particular order)
Number 6. Feet and hands
Number 5. Fingernails and lipstick
Number 4. Braids, ponytails and pigtails
Number 3. Water
Number 2. Golden showers (been there done that discussion)
Number 1. Voyeurism and exhibitionism

So here's my question, men, women alike, what is your fetish? One of the above, or something not even mentioned...

Me...voyeur and part-time exhibitionist. Of course my fetish would be number 1.

Where the hell was Mr. Miagi...

I'm just about asleep and then I hear bzzzzzzzzzz and the biggest freakin fly is buzzing over my head. Does anything suck more? Seriously how can I sleep when this fucking fly is going to shit all over me?

So I begrudgingly get up and find some paper to kill this thing quickly. Then the chase begins. I get in a wide stance, ready to pounce; I wait, and wait, and wait. Where is Mr. Miyagi at a time like this? That fly would have been toast by now and I would be sleeping soundly.

I, however am not Mr. Miyagi and never caught the damn thing. Instead, I slept with the covers over my head in fear of poop, I seriously hate flies.

Your my babies daddy...

Kids role play all the time, it is how they communicate. I may be analyzing this too much, but I do believe my three old is missing her daddy who has been stuck working crazy long hours recently. Or my psycho babble means nothing and she has just been watching to much Maury Povich where "babies daddy" is said at least 100 times an episode.

Child: wanna hold my baby?

Me: sure, am I going to be babysitting?

Child: yes, your my babies daddy. (I'm not even kidding that she said it just like that)

Me: huh?

Child: talking very slowly "your my babies daddy"

Me: can't I be her grandma?

Child: ummm, no, she needs a daddy.

Are you up for the sex bet challenge?

I was reading an article about relationships and marriage and came across the most brilliant idea in regards to sex. As most married people know, sex can easily be put to the back burner, especially when life gets busy. I've heard of scheduling sex, which I actually think is a great idea, that way I know he isn't going to give me a nipple twist right before I drift into sleep. Which he thinks is a fun way to check my receptiveness. Most times he gets a whack to his hand, but I guess it's worth it for the few times it gets him laid.

So anyways back to the brilliant idea: having sex bets with your spouse. The example I loved is a wife that bet her husband he couldn't get her to climax X number of times. That's just plain awesome. Another good one was a husband challenging his wife to initiate a sexual encounter in a semi-public place. Could be interesting :0

So are we all up for the sex bet challenge? I'm in for sure, not because of the sex, but because I'm highly competitive. Needless to say it has gotten me into some trouble over the years, but who really cares, it's always been worth it.

Sleezy

I know it is a stereotype, but amazingly it is completely TRUE! We bought a new/used car this weekend and I was completely blown away at how sleezy car dealers/salespeople really are. What a game they play? Well, I am not sure I can throw in that $200 accessory, I will have to take it to my sales manager. Well, he said (yes it was a he) he would split the difference with you and I said, I am not sure you know the definition of free, and believe me, we aren't even done with the negotiations, so when you are done with that we can discuss the rest....

Well, he says, yes a he, I will fight for you, I think we can make a deal. Will you sign this saying you will take the car if I do? No, sorry, I won't sign anything until we have the car, and the financing, etc... exactly how I want it. If you haven't noticed I am a bitch. I also said, well, as I am sure you experience daily in today's economy, I am pretty sure you will make any deal possible since I am pretty sure you want to sell a car today.

Thanks very much. Have a nice day.

Boobs...

How cool are fake boobs...I mean really...who wouldn't want some? I have been considering getting my self a pair for quite some time. I got a preview while pregnant that large boobs are really really fun. Although I had nothing against my pre-child smaller boobs, they were full, firm and my nipples looked forward. After having two children they are now very very sad. The girls now sit somewhere in my arm pits when lying down or looking at my toes while standing up. No people, it is not pretty.

I am way too damn young to have unattractive breasts. And if you got'em, flaunt' em. Go big or go home, you know what I'm sayin.

A lovely little nugget...

I can't put my finger on when it happened, when my daughter decided I was an idiot, but here we are with our latest conversation:

Child: Mom

Me: Yeah

Child: Do you really work?

Me: What do you mean?

Child: Well, I don't really think you go to work; I think you stay home all day and watch T.V.

Ok I have a few questions, one, what would make her think this? Two, I really wish this were true, it would sure as hell beat getting up every morning and going to work for 9 hours.

Things to do before I die, part 1

I have seen this in my virtual travels - so I thought I would take a "stab" at it.

1. Run my own business.
2. Do one armed push-ups like on G.I. Jane
3. Wear a bikini.
4. Meet a Kennedy.
5. Swim with sharks.
6. Attend a Sundance Party.
7. Plan a Sundance Party.
8. Buy land.
9. Speak another language fluently.
10. Visit the top 10 beaches and make my own vote.
11. Become a trained kick-boxer.
12. Be in Jamaica on Bob Marley's birthday.
13. Get my entire back tattooed.
14. Walk naked on a nude beach.
15. Wear MC Hammer pants.
16. Go to Africa.
17. Go to a Hollywood Premiere.
18. Win a poker game.
19. Have sex in a glass elevator.
20. Workout 5 days a week.
21. Watch a tornado, safely.

Step away from the angry girl...

How many girls out there know how to throw a punch? And not a weenie throw your elbow back with any real force punch; a real punch. How many times in your life would it have been helpful?

I can count on all my fingers and then some its helpfulness. Unfortunately, I learned to fight at a late age. It would have been really nice when I was a small child, a teenager, and most importantly a young adult.

I can recall a few instances when I could have used it, one was when I was 11 years old and my cousins and I decided to door bell ditch. A stupid game all kids play. While running from house to house, not thinking much about it, we turned around to find a man chasing us. We all began running as fast as we could, I however didn’t notice the chain linked fence and ran right into it. As I turned around a man grabbed me by the throat and picked me up off the ground. He then began trying to drag me into his house. I kicked with all my strength and got away. How nice it would have been to know some fighting techniques. Instead it was pure luck that I managed to get away.

Another was when I was 14 years old and my friends and I were jumped on the subway. I wish I had been able to bitch slap this punk and drop him to his knees. Instead I watched as he broke a beer bottle over my friends head.

As I can just imagine, everyone can think of a time in their life that it would have come in handy. My dream for my girls is that they become bad ass and whoop on anyone that tries to hurt them.

Living a privileged life

I realize that I am privileged. I don’t want for much, and the things I do want for are not necessities. This week I found myself dwelling upon the dreaded WANTS, and coming to the conclusion that I’m a fucking brat.

Why is it that the more we acquire the more we want? When is enough, truly enough?

This is not my best side, it is not pretty, and it is not something I like to flaunt.

My family is great, we both have jobs, easy jobs I will add, and we have a roof over our head. What the hell do I have to bitch about? If this continues, please someone smack me and yell “wake up stupid and stop being a giant pussy.”

Sex, sex, sex, sex...

We have tried the environment, politics, parenting, bikini wax, shoes, automobiles...Let's talk about sex. Because talking about it feels a little bit like the first time you had phone sex, forgive me if I blush.
What are the ingredients for keeping this oh-so-sacred part of your life, spicy? alive? with at least a faint pulse?
What does it take? Mystery? Games? Adventure? Flirting? Naked Yoga?
Remember the days of dating. You couldn't have enough sex. You had it in places that are unspeakable, possibly at times, unsanitary.
It didn't take a sitter for the night, a couple bottles of wine, or a bad porn on Comcast. Not that there is anything wrong with any of those things, but you didn't take them two times a day, with a full glass of water like a prescription.
Remember when flirtation made butterflies dance in your stomach. Now they are interrupted by a child's cry for a glass of water, the dogs need to go out, you have to get up early, blah, blah, blah...
Can that moment of virtual freedom feel like a really good movie? One that makes your heart beat and you look around the room to see if anyone is feeling the same thing?
It is baffling. Does it really just take putting on "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak, "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye, whatever you fancy, top off the Jack and coke, and well?
Who knows maybe it gets easier at some point? For now, I wait for your thoughts, your wise sage advice?

When is it ever acceptable?

What would ever compel a person to throw their garbage on the ground? I'm not sure it has ever occurred to me to finish my snack and just throw it behind my head and think "well, someone will have to clean that up."

This past weekend my family went on a nice Sunday afternoon walk and ended up at our local park. When we arrived I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There was GARBAGE everywhere. Under the swings, on the grass, at the end of the slides. What the hell happened here?

While my husband and children enjoyed themselves, not worried about the mass amounts of cans and wrappers laying everywhere, I decided to PICK it all up. And while doing this I spoke loud enough for anyone around me to hear me saying one of the following:

1. You’d think people would have some pride where they live.
2. Why would anyone think it is alright to throw their garbage around for others to pick up?
3.I can't fucking believe the nerve of some people-only out of children’s earshot of course :)

After a few minutes my husband got up and politely asked me to stop. "No" I said. I live here and god dammit I have a right to lay guilt upon anyone I see fit.

The Pursuit of Good Karma

I have spent the last few weeks spewing toxic comments, stories, arguments, criticisms, situations, etc.... I am making a commitment right here and now to stop. I know that I have the potential to be a better person and that I can be a a loving wife, a good mom, and a great friend. But for some reason, I haven't been very good at any of those things over the last few weeks. I am often brought back into reality when something bad or unfortunate happens to someone close to me, and then I say, wow, I am lucky. The crazy thing is, I am lucky everyday, without comparing someones sadness or misfortune.
I have also spent so much time trying to balance the quid pro quo in my life, well, if I do this for you, you should do this in return. I haven't realized how hard it is to expect it and how disappointing it is to not get it. So the expectation has been scratched. I will no longer expect anything in return. If I put the good karma out, extend my love, my friendship, my good will, and it is not reciprocated, the bad karma that person has to live with is not my problem.
I will know that there is truth and authenticity in this pursuit of good karma and happiness, I will know that my kindness is from the heart, when I extend my friendship - it is true...when I show love - it is unconditional.
You may ask why write this down? But to do this I know that the commitment has been made. I will focus on what I have and want, rather than what I don’t have or don’t want. I will focus on my toxic effect on others. I will stop being a bitch. And without expecting it, maybe the rest of the world could step out of their narcissistic costumes and try for their own pursuit of good karma and happiness. And no, that is not an expectation, just merely a suggestion.

Love Hate Relationship - Starring Me

I love my body. I hate my body.
This is a love hate relationship that could win an academy award, but in the sequel, it is still just me and my body, still in love and still in hate.
But how on earth can someone hate their body as much as they love it. I have spent the last few years trying everything under the sun to lose weight. I have been a tried and true advocate for Weight Watchers, taken drugs that probably shouldn't even be legal? Maybe they aren't? But nothing. I am not lazy...on average I work out 3-4 times a week? I have since lost my motivation because it just didn't seem to do any good. Why is it so damn hard. I go to bed at night making a promise to myself, tomorrow, we will do it, we will conquer the evil "chubby" monster. But, nonetheless, I still slip myself into my average size jeans and tell myself, someday we will be in our skinny jeans again, someday. Why? What is wrong with what I look like. Now, this is the other personality speaking, the one that says, I love what I look like, and yeah, I could be thinner, but I can guaran-ass-tee you all want breasts like this. I know several people that would pay $10,000 for girls like mine.
Yes, I have curves, and yes I am above the recommended weight according to the American Medical Association. But truly, I don't think I will ever be "thin." And about 80% of the time, I am quite happy with how I look. Can't I be healthy and beautiful but not be a size 6? Can't I still be healthy and beautiful and have a few extra pounds? It is a predicament that even self help books can't help. How can you love your body as much as you hate your body? C'mon Dr. Phil, don't you have something you can do to help me?