For the sake of the family...

This past weekend my car decided it had had enough and died. Being the cheapskate I am, I don't want to buy another car and have a payment. The ingenius solution I came up with was that my husband would ride his bicycle to work everyday and I would take on double duty with driving the children too and from camp. In my mind I think this is a temporary summer thing. I don't want to leave an hour early every morning because I am the sole person that can drive the kids. I have no intention of becoming the family schleper. Who wants that?

So we are outside on our deck last night having a glass of wine and we make the mistake of discussing the "car", and he states "maybe we can just have one car for awhile." Ummmmm NO. I don't think so.... Wouldn't that be convenient for him.

I may be cheap, but I'm not stupid. Get a car, and get to driven' my friend.

One click and you're hooked

I stopped by here and am still in shock. God damn world. Beautiful writing, and beautiful pictures, unbelievable sadness.

Unspeakable Moon Pie Attack

I deliberated for days in posting this, not because I don't believe my own words I was just harboring alot of anger about this subject apparently and needed some time to cool down.

But I came across this story and decided, nope, still think adults are ridiculous and act worse than 100 three year olds in a room after eating a box of cupcakes.

Homeless man held in alleged Moon Pie attack. "Police in Galesburg say a homeless man is spending the holiday weekend in jail after allegedly attacking an 84-year-old man with a box of Moon Pies."

I try to spend a lot of my time "guiding" my children through the world, trying to teach them the difference between what is right, what is wrong. You explain this theory to them as an adult, who supposedly knows what the difference is. You teach them that temper tantrums are not the way to get what they want, that they don't get to pout, they don't get to talk back...I could go on.
When are adults held accountable for their immature actions? We all have our moments of weakness, but we want to be respected, taken seriously and be a good role model.

Now moon pie attacks are not the only reason for my frustration. I shocked by many issues on a daily, if not hourly basis.

We have voters in our current campaign season threatening that if they don't get their way, they will just vote for the complete opposite, just to make a point.

That saying that black people are doing this and voting for this person, women are doing that, white people are doing this, and the jews are doing that. Labeling, super effective political strategy? Because all Jews think alike, we don't have a single thought of our own, and yes, we have all agreed and will vote for the exact same person.
Are we behaving like good role models? Just like the Super Nanny has taught us, there has to be a giant naughty stool for all these people, really.

A child's name...

How important is the name you give your child?

My dear friend and mentor once said “think to yourself, could he/she be a Supreme Court Judge with that name?”

People, you wonder why your daughter is a stripper; perhaps it’s giving her the name Precious or Bambi… and just so I’m clear…. it is entirely your fault.

How about them apples.

Adult ADD

My thoughts today, and not all of them, there are many more in between.
1. Can I run outside in my robe, in the rain to take out the garbage? Yep.
2. Starbucks sounds good.
3. Can't walk, legs sore, oh yeah I have a meeting.
4. I need a new pair of brown shoes, why, because I do.
5. Will we really renew our vows on our 10 year anniversary?
6. Plants, I need plants, and flowers, pretty flowers.
7. Did anyone see me in my robe?
8. I have a headache, oh yeah, we drank 3 pitchers of beer last night.
9. Call tattoo guy! Need a tattoo, what tattoo should I do, very dangerous decision for someone who thinks way too much.
10. Put Dooce meet and greet on calendar...
11. Why do I care who won American Idol?
12. I like my pedicure.
13. Dooce's add rates went up...is it worth it?
14. I can't think of a post...feeling to tired and a little hungover.
15. Next time I am intoxicated, I should post.
16. Went shopping, feel so much better, bought ugly shirt, have to take back, and well, I guess shop some more.
17. Brain pause for 2 hour Grey's Anatomy season finale. I really like McDreamy, has great hair.
18. Husband drilling during last 14 minutes, please stop or I may hurt you. snoochie moochies.
19. Nightline announces yet another blogger I have to check out http://whoorl.com/ she has Hair Thursday. Perfect way to get a bunch of unbiased opinions.
20. David Archuleta from Utah, needs to get out a little more, can't you tell they are diamonds.
21. I am watching Access Hollywood.
22. oh shit - gotta make a lunch. nighty night.

Momma needs some space

I want to preface this by saying that I love my family. We were incredibly lucky and were able to spend 8 days together on one of the best family vacations you could ask for, I went back to work for exactly 3 1/2 days and spent 4 days with two sick kids. It was a little much, but it sure was nice to be 'quiet' for a few days.

Is it ok to say I have reached my limit? Does that make me a bad mother?

Can someone put me in time out? Preferably one with a plane, a hotel with blackout curtains, a few magnums of wine, warm weather and no goddamn whining. Yes, I know I just got back from vacation, but what I need is a momma vacation, and if he plays nice, sure my husband can tag along.

Come on push yourself....

In hopes of some day fitting my ass into my skinny pants, I have begun attending exercise classes daily. While I enjoy being pushed, even prodded a little, I would get extremely annoyed if my mate pushed me through it. Today we had a couple in our class and the guy was killing me with his demands on his girlfriend. If my husband ever told me to do something harder, at a greater pace, I would feel duty bound to kick him in the shins.

This girl was working out, sweating, grunting at times, and he kept up with his incessant nagging. Jesus man worry about yourself. I couldn’t be with a fitness nazi. The guy that eats, sleeps and dreams healthiness. I for one do not need or appreciate that kind of pestering from my significant other.

Furthermore, that guy is the type to scrutinize a few added pounds or scold me when I want to eat a pint of ice cream or down a bottle of wine. Life is way too short for that bullshit.

Trashy and love it...

I was asked today if I wanted to go to a concert. I ask her “what kind of concert?” She starts to say the name but all I hear is “symphony.” I immediately say “NO!”

I don’t try to pretend that I am cultured, nothing sounds worse than being forced to be quiet for 2 hours while listening to what I would refer to as “bed time music.” If I need to fall asleep I might tune in or better yet if I want my children to go to sleep.

Now if she were to ask me to go to a outdoors type concert that involved dancing, I would say yes. One because talking is allowed and two I like to think I have some wicked moves. Although my husband and some friends may disagree :0

So the question is, should I force myself to be more refined and sophisticated? Can one grow to enjoy these type of events if forced into enough of them?

Treading new water...

This weekend I ventured out and attended a party with an unfamiliar group. I knew the hostess casually but we are not “calling friends.” I define my friendships by the ability to call them on the phone. If we are not to that stage, I would say we are acquaintances.

As I have gotten older the “unfamiliar” is less scary, I actually enjoy being the outsider in a group and getting to know a variety of people. You come in as a clean slate, without any preconceived notions. Lifelong friends are great but sometimes it’s nice to have no past. I enjoy the ability to create whatever persona I feel like on that day.

In my younger days I would have to admit to some questionable behavior and prefer pretending it never happened. What better way than to make new friends that think I have always been an upstanding citizen.

Beauty and Pain...A parent's worst nightmare

I have always been awestruck at the things we go through in life and will often sit down with a glass of wine at my own pity party. But just so you don't think of me as a completely narcissistic monster, it is a very short lived pity party, and I don't send out an evite.
But nonetheless, it is usually a rude awakening as I open my eyes and realize how beautiful my life truly is.
After clicking on this link the sinking pain I felt as a human being, and and a mom is almost unbearable.
Having a slight obsession with photography and the power of a photo, it is a beautiful tribute of a mother's unbearable journey.
As you will see by these photos, life is precious and an amazing gift.

These are incredibly hard pictures to view, but a gift of awareness I felt had to be shared.

For more information on this story, it is accounted for here.

Global Warming, A New Theory

I have been spending the last few days visiting complete strangers account of their lives, via their blog, and after recommendation to read be gay about it from Maggie at okay, fine, dammit I came across yet another poignant version of the question that has been in my head for months. When did it all change? And by change I am referring to relationships. Not only has the blogosphere (my new favorite word and really not sure what else to call it) and my circle of friends relationships changed faces over the last year. People who by all appearances seemed to have the perfect relationship, have spent the last 9 months in couples therapy, and even those that do not fit under this label of perfection, seemed to be even more strained than normal.
After trying to figure out the answer to where the magic has gone, I came up with a theory, a conspiracy theory if you will. Here it goes, and if any of you scientists out there want to begin the research, give me a jingle.
I wonder if there is relationship between Global Warming and my marriage, or my relationships in general. Mr. Gore could speak to that? Not only has Global Warming affected the oceans, heightened the vegan population, will make lakes will disappear and mountains get taller, our summers, or for that matter, winter, spring and fall by soaring temperatures, but it has also in fact changed the alignment of many, many happy couples.
After using my handy-dandy Google search, the theories have already begun, well they have apparently been around for a while, but of course I am a freaking genious, and will take credit for my amazing discovery.
Over the last 10 years, research has shown that uncomfortably hot temperatures directly cause increases in aggressive and violent behavior, including violent crime. Aggression = arguing = hostility = magic disappearing.
For the parents in the world, your children are not sleeping as well, lack of sleep = sleep deprived = hostility = magic, gone.
I could go on and on, but I think I will stop here, and after I am published, yes - you can have my autograph.
But there it is. Now that we all know why we just can't get along, the felicific calculus can begin.

Curvy is the new Skinny

Apparently the newest ANTM was selected and for all of you that aren't in the know that is AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL! She is apparently a size 10. Now that's not the kicker, she is being labeled as the first plus size model to win. PLUS SIZE, a size 10! Wow, what are we teaching our daughters letting someone that BIG represent the modeling community.

Since the average size is a 2, in the modeling world that is. Let's put that into perspective a size two would weigh somewhere between 95-120 lbs, depending on your height. A size 10 would weigh somewhere between 130-160 also depending on height, and frankly they menstruate!

But ANTM is not about finding the top model, they are looking for a role model, someone that can tell our fattist society "I want other women in America to feel good about themselves," she said. "I want people to look at me and say, I don't have to starve, I don't have to have plastic surgery."

When all is said and done, sure she will be a perfect role model. Especially as she is being tagged throughout the media as a plus size model, zaftig, juice booty (my personal favorite), full figured, curvy and no, that won't send any kind of message.

You know before she steps two feet on the next runway, Whit, you know, we're gonna need you to go ahead and stop eating, and drop a few sizes. So if you could just go ahead and stark puking, that would be terrific! You know the old "Lumbergh" approach, "Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?" (a quote from Office Space, one of the most hilarious movies of all time).

I will self deprecate for entertainment, but I am proud of my curves, damn proud.

Holy Monumental Proposal Batman!

Halle-f&8ckin-lujah

Poor Arnold didn't get his way, but the California Supreme Court has opened their eyes and made decision that I am sure will spark endless debate. And because Utah still doesn't realize or even recognize the separation of church and state has issued a profound statement, “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints recognizes that same sex marriage can be an emotional and divisive issue. However, the Church teaches that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is the basic unit of society. Today's California Supreme Court decision is unfortunate."

Don't get me started about what I think is unfortunate about the church, or any religious group sticking their head frankly in a place that it just does not belong.

And I just want to give the mayor of San Francisco a big 'ol smooch for his response "it's about human dignity. It's about human rights. It's about time in California," San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, pumping his fist in the air, told a roaring crowd at City Hall. "As California goes, so goes the rest of the nation. It's inevitable. This door's wide open now. It's going to happen, whether you like it or not."

And frankly, is it polyandry if I were to make a proposal and marry someone of the same sex in California because I feel so strongly that this always should have been legal, and will be eventually in all 50 states? As Mr. Newsom said, it's wide open now.

Any takers? I am guessing airfare is racking up just so Utah can make it even more difficult so we better get on it quick!

Momma's lame....

If you had read many posts I have written about children, you will know they say peculiar things.

The conversation with my daughter last night went something like this:

Her: “Do most boys like their daddy’s most?”

Me: “Well, I don’t think it matters if you’re a boy or a girl.”

Her: “Oh good, cause dad’s my favorite!”

Why didn’t anyone warn me of these wicked little creatures and their unpleasant comments before I spawned?

I am to my child an idiot, a maid, a cook, a chauffeur, and apparently her least favorite person in our home. Super!

my latest dilemna

I have changed my name on this blog several times. I just can't find the right name. This blog has become the way I identify myself and the "person" I wish I could be all the time, and who I am truly on the inside... I am asking for suggestions on how to give yourself the "right name?" We all know that this life is a separate life and to go by anything too personal, well it is too personal. And I enjoy the anonymity of it, and how it almost feels as if it is happening in another dimension. How did you all decide how to name yourself, and did you ever change your name?
And, do you think about this at all or am I a complete dork? Don't answer that.

ps. thanks anonymous ;) just helped to fuel my multiple personality disorder.

shpilkis

Thank god for urban dictionary, I love hitting the random button over and over again. It is more entertaining to me lately because I think my brain is short circuiting and can no longer think or write.

Here is my random word today, and growing up in a typical Jewish family, I love this word. But the even more entertaining part is that I was actually accused of overextending my shpilkis-like personality today without using this word. But I for sure will correct them tomorrow and tell them this is the word they should have used, its in the urban dictionary after all!

shpilkis

{Transliteration from the original Yiddish}
Noun: To 'bounce off the walls', nervous energy without purpose. In English - to be 'on pins and needles'. Common in kids when they have had too much sugar, or adults too much caffeine {or any combination of same}. Kids with ADD or ADHD before they are medicated.
"Oy, you kids in the back seat! Enough with the shpilkis already, or I'm gonna turn around this car around, right now!""
Check out the cat, she got into the catnip. Such shpilkis I have never seen!"

Wine, cleavage, and psychological experiments

So here is the play by play from the family vacation.
1. Prescription was instrumental, especially with wine, buckets of beer, and margaritas.
2. Cleavage, came in handy for many reasons...super fruity specialty drink on cruise ship...beer on beach...illegal drug offer (not accepted) on beach...construction crew provided entertaining cat calls while walking on beach...made brother-n-laws incredibly uncomfortable...made lesbian sister-n-laws incredibly comfortable...husband happy.
3. Drank wine at dinner with family. Never thought drinking wine would feel like being interrogated.
4. Explained that when desserts are made with liquor it will not get you drunk.
5. Chased 2 1/2 year old 4 floors while he looked back and smiled. More of a test to see how far he would go. Not a good plan.
6. Felt incredibly sorry for the cruise ship employees, our stateroom attendant hadn't seen her baby for months. Too sad to even contemplate.
7. Took entire family to Senor Frogs...amazingly resembled a psychological experiment.
8. Lucky enough to get to call security every night complaining about 18 year olds in cabin next to us partying with 10+ people in their room playing drinking games until 3 a.m. (room 150 sq ft.)
9. And finally...spent 5 hours in the airport because my paranoid in-laws didn't trust that we would get to the airport on time from the port.

I still pretty...

My 3 year old has recently become obsessed with having hair. Unfortunatley she got my families hair gene and it will not begin growing for another year. This self awareness all began about 3 months ago. Random strangers began asking questions such as "do you just like her hair short?", or "is she going to get hair soon?" Serioulsy people she has ears and can understand you; so shut the hell up.

This weekend while we were vacationing with family she would go up to people and say "I have short hair, but I still a girl." Sad.

So lesson # 1 people, 3 year olds do understand, and the next time you have the urge to say something stupid about ones' apppearance, DON'T!

I so totally still ROCK!

I'm sure that no-one saw the reality show "Rock of Love", since it was without a doubt the worst show I have ever endured. The entire one episode I could sit through was full of embarrassing women with severe self-esteem issues and WAY too much plastic surgery. I happened to have watched the second round of love; the first sex kitten chosen didn't rock Bret; I'm completely shocked.

The former sex icon from Poison had his day; he had his groupies and he had his endless sex. The problem I see is, he is now old and he is no longer a ROCK STAR. For god sake age gracefully man. Wake up and join us in 08', take off the make-up, the doo rag, cut the bottom part of your hair because we know that is all that is left (you're not fooling anyone), and stop with these ridiculous theatrics that are not going to boost your already gone career.

One of the fab tidbits from the show was when he said "I need a girl that keep up with my rock and roll lifestyle!" After throwing up a little in my mouth, I laughed incessantly, and then felt tremendously bad for him.

I’m sure this next round will be a screaming success. I'll be rootin for ya Bret!

Cleavage or No Cleavage - That is the question

So I am off for 8 glorious days to travel with my family, which includes approximately 15 of us (no, it is not what you think we are not polygamists). My small 4 person family will be joining my husbands ENTIRE family for a cruise.
Yes, before any of you ask, I did refill my "I will not notice a damn thing" and "it gets better and better with several glasses of wine" prescription. Thank god, and whoever else I need to for that!
Here's my conundrum if you will...apparently all of my swimsuits are designed for maximum cleavage, I love wine, family for 8 days, I love wine, two children, I love wine, and well, I love wine.
Why am I worried you ask? Well, my in-laws, are all MORMON. They do not drink, they do not have, I mean, condone even the remote sign of cleavage, let alone sleeveless shirts. They are a however a witty and humorous bunch, and now that my sister-n-law came out of the closet, which completely rocks by the way, her girlfriend and I have been coming up with our lists of drinks for maximum entertainment for both ourselves and the family.
Now just so we are clear my husband, who is also very witty, humorous, hot and my partner in crime, loves wine, and definitely loves cleavage, is a return missionary, another thing I have in common with dooce so no problems there. Amen!
So I am sure to have some incredibly entertaining stories upon my return. Because with the meds, wine, and our daily prayer, there is no chance in hell I will touch the internet.
Stay tuned...

Arrogance...

While this is no new observation, it is one that has become dreadfully apparent this week. I have been saturated with arrogance. Only by men I might add. Both the men and women in my life are extremely bright and talented, the difference between the two is he will emphatically tell you his fantasticness and she will not.

Why can men speak so prideful of their accomplishments? And not think for a second someone might interpret it as bragging, being big headed or full of themeselves? Even being a strong woman, I have a hard time “tooting my own horn.” I tend to turn my successes into a “group effort”, giving props to anyone and everyone.

You've got to think there is some connection to them making a significant amount more than us nationally.