Are you a pussy if your wife keeps her name?

My husband is chastised quite frequently because I didn't take his last name. I have welcomed him to take mine, but no, "that's just weird" he says. My thoughts exactly.

So recently a friend invited us on a weekend trip. She emailed all invited guests and used my last name as the "Smiths" or whatever. I found this quite amusing, so obviously I had to point it out. He says "yeah I bet she thought she was really funny." All I thought was, she totally ROCKS!

Then he goes into a very sad diatribe about how I don't understand his pain. At this point I begin playing my very small imaginary violin. So sad to be him.

All I have to say is I'm super cool, and you have it pretty damn good.

For the sake of a pretty kitty

We pluck our brows, botox, peel, deep condition, scrape, pummis, loofah our bodies, but the most painful choice of all, to satisfy our vain personalities, the bikini wax. After getting over the initial shock of the spa panties,and the fact that it was incredibly bright. I decided, I have had two children, I can live through this, lets just get this over. Now.

My "waxer" or aka esthetician was hilarious and made an incredibly uncomfortable situation as comfortable as putting hot wax on your nether regions and ripping it off with ridiculous speed could be.

Considering some complete stranger had me put my legs in incredibly uncomfortable positions, humiliating and perverse all at the same time. There was no counting, just wax and rip, wax and rip, etc...etc...

In the midst of the pain and suffering, out of the kindness of her torturous soul to make conversation and all of you can relate, its like trying to have a casual conversation about the weather with your gynecologist while you have a freezing cold speculum, well, you know the rest.

Next step, the brazilian, note to self, take some really good meds prior to, and a glass of wine after.

Here's to happy waxing in the future. It is supposed to get easier.

Infinite wisdom of a 4 year old...

This happened a while back but we were telling a family member the story yesterday so it sparked my memory...about 2 years ago my daughter and husband were driving around listening to a radio morning show called Radio from Hell.

Her: "dad, I can say radio from hell, right?"

Him: "yes."

Her: " right because radio from hell is a radio station, and it is part of its name, so I can say it."

Him: "right"

Her: "yeah...but kids can't say FUCK!"

When did I become an adult?

I know I'm no young chicken; the crows feet are proof enough of that. But when in the hell did I become a full card carrying ADULT?

If you are wondering if you are as well, you must ask yourself the following questions. If you answer yes to 3 out of the 5, you are an adult:

1. If you are irresponsible others will suffer
2. Your work comes home with you
3. You have DEBT
4. There is no more YOU time
5. You can no longer move at whim

I suppose I've been an adult for some time now. Apparently I was fooling myself to think otherwise. But then it all hit me yesterday as I re-financed our home and was forced to sign my life away. I was indeed all grown up. And for whatever reason, it is no longer scary. My life is blessed, and if responsibilty comes with that, bring it on.

She only has weeks

Last June my beloved aunt was given weeks to live. At the age of 73, she was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of leukemia. She was now diagnosed with cancer for the 2nd time in her life. Reliving a disease that was ironically was caused by the treatment, aka poison injected into her body, of the very same disease she received 35+ years ago.
After her diagnosis, she received yet another aggressive chemo treatment, and was told it was not successful. The phone rang, it was my mom, her baby sister, letting me know, you have to come to the hospital, I need you.
We all sat in the grim, dismal hospital room, crying, staring, screaming, asking why? Spent several hours wandering, greeting the other hospital visitors who for some reason see our tears as an open invitation to try and share our grief, we know how you feel...Really how the hell did you know that we all feel as if our hearts were ripped out, thrown into a barrel and stomped on like grapes? Rotating chairs in the waiting room, exchanging clomazipan's like they were a bag of skittles.
The most priceless moment was the forgettable visit by the worst social worker I have ever crossed paths with, who initiated the conversation with a cheery "hi" how are you all doing? We're fucking great you imbecile.
We took her home, to die. Days passed, visitors, family, loved ones traveled miles and miles to spend precious moments with her. She had private conversations with all of her closest. Sad, heart wrenching goodbye's. Things were said that you always wanted to say. Her beautiful silver hair began to fall out, her eyes, filled with sadness, her color began to fade, just like her life was about to do as well. She spent every day falling asleep wondering, will I wake up?
I strongly believe she came to terms with her impending death. We did not, because the death of a loved one brings about selfishness. How can I live with out her?
The days, turned into a month, and another month, and now 11 months later, she sits with a smile on her beautiful rosy cheeked face, that says I am alive YOU STUPID BASTARDS.
This came to me today, as my mom called in a panic saying she is so worried, she doesn't sound good. And at that moment, the last 11 months of beauty, daily gratitude, and a closeness that only a near death experience could bring, all I could say in return is she is so lucky, she was given two weeks and 40 weeks later, you just hope that you didn't share some deep dark secret that you only told her...
So I called her up on the phone, and her sweet chipper voice on the other line asked me, how as I doing? Me? So we laughed, caught up on a few tidbits of news and and complained about our ridiculous weather.

Feminism aside; I never want to do that again...

This month I have become a circus monkey trying to get my car re-newed.

I always first try and get the car passed without fixing anything, even when I know it needs it. So I drive into Jiffy Lube with little hope that my beater car will pass. After waiting over an hour and listening to the Jiffy Lube worker rant on and on about my loser car and then inevitably hands me the cursed piece of paper with very large text that reads REJECTED. With a smile he welcomes me to come back when everything is fixed.

Trying to meet Jiffy Lube's generous 15 day deadline and avoid paying the emission and inspection test again, I found myself driving around the entire valley today. First to an auto part store, then an auto repair shop(where I almost got eaten by a pit bull) and back to Jiffy Lube.

Now, I know I’m supposed to be a progressive woman; but truly this unpleasant task is just better suited for men. Especially when I unsuccessfully used the “sexy” female card and exposed some extreme cleavage; and maybe just a tiny little areola.

Earth Day

Today is Earth Day for anyone not in close proximity to a television, radio or computer. Sort of a mute point since I'm bloggin, ha ha, oh well...

Is it me or has the GREEN movement just exploded? I mean being “green” is being infiltrated into television shows, daily cleaning products, huge conglomerations’ such as Wal-Mart, etc… I don’t even care if it is for selfish, greedy reasons; it is getting the general population conscience of the sustainability issues we are facing.

In return we will begin raising children who are accustomed to being good stewards of the earth and will become contentious consumers later in life.

START TODAY-Ride your bike, plant a tree, sign up to recycle, anything help reduce your ecological footprint.

Lowest of low

So I think I officialy hit my lowest of low. I have a serious addiction to shoes. I love shoes. I can't actually go into a store that sells shoes and not try on shoes.
So tonight, I was visiting one of my most favorite stores, supposed to be looking for anything but shoes, but the power of 3 inch heels, shiny patents, pointy toes, and t-straps began calling my name. I walked casually over to the shoe section and began eyeing all the shoes, what shall we try on first, flats, flip flops, heels, oh boy, where do I start first?
So after 3 or 5 pairs, I saw a cute pair of khaki patent heels, of course I need them, just try one on, walk over to the mirror, and, no, they aren't as cute on....But then, out of the corner of my eye, the cutest shoes EVER MADE. But wait, an arm, why is she taking my shoes? What is she doing? Why is she trying them on? Those are my shoes. STEP AWAY FROM THE SHOES. Maybe they won't fit. She has a child with her, I couldn't possibly tackle her, with her kid watching.
What the hell did she just say? They are comfortable, no they are not. She takes MY SHOES, and walks away. I began panicking. How can I have those shoes? She is trying on clothes, with my shoes. I actually contemplated that she would leave the shoes at the desk by the changing room and I could walk up casually and let the room attendant know, I am her best friend, I will hold them for her. I wandered around, wondering if I should be committed, and then I saw her again, walking out the door, with most definitely, MY SHOES.
I really wanted those shoes, how can I live without them?
So for your viewing pleasure, and mine of course, just to satisfy my addiction, here are a few pairs of shoes, that may lessen the pain, curb the addiction, but aren't anywhere as cute and a perfect as the shoes I could have had but I will never have.
I may have to do some shopping just to prevent any post traumatic stress from kicking in.
I hope she likes her DAMN shoes. My shoes.

It's always good to see a knock em down girly fight...

My hubbie and I went to a work thing for him on Saturday night. I have only met a few of his co-workers and up until now have liked them all. We arrive, get a drink and find somewhere to sit. Good atmosphere, fun music, it was looking to be a very good night.

Then it happened; let me set it up for you; I'm sitting on a bar stool and he is standing in front of me. A wife of someone he works with and her friend come over to chat. They both stand to the side of us forming a nice tight circle. It began friendly enough, but slowly I began feeling as if I were the fourth wheel. Our circle had now been cut into a very tight triangle with me on the outside. They both had gotten so close that elbows were touching. He sensed the awkwardness and began scanning the room, hoping his co-worker was distracted by something other than this. Soon after they exit the conversation with no acknowledgment of their intentional segregation, simply a “talk to you later!”

Feeling dirty he asks “was that odd!” Yes, if was fucking odd and extremely rude. He agreed, but I think a tiny piece of him was excited to have been part of such a sordid encounter. And truthfully I don’t blame him, every married person needs a little esteem booster every once in awhile. That being said, they could have had the decency to do it without my being present. Bitches.

Thanks for making my husband feel oh so sexy and giving me the vision of WWF’ing your tiny little asses. Watch out, cause I’m coming prepared for a re-match and I’m not above royally fucking you up!

My Office Wife

What I didn't tell you that, I am sure I did, really I didn't, that is so strange, we were just talking about it the other day. Wow, this is so embarrasing. I am so ashamed, I have something to tell you. I know this won't be easy to hear, but, I have.... a work spouse.
We know each others favorite food, when the next dentist appointment is, our next day off, when they call in sick, and when aunt flo is coming to visit. We are both married, and have children, how could we betray our dearly beloveds in such a way?
But of course we are unique, it is two women, I know shocking, and even in the state of Utah! Yep, you guessed it domestic partnership is legal when it is concerning your work spouse.
We bicker and argue as if we were married. Hell, we may even need to seek some marital therapy from time to time. It certainly makes each day far more entertaining, and a lot less lonely. And yes honey, I will always remember our anniversary...
Fortunately, if separation, or even the horrible thought of divorce was eminent, there are no divorce procedures or legal fees, and both of you can sit in the same room without an attorney present. Ex-work spouses make for great future references, so it’s one bridge you shouldn't burn.
Besides, how many “ex’s” do you have that you don’t mind being around?

How in the hell does a boy sing like a girl?

The other night we were watching this video to our kids. Our oldest kept saying "he can't sing like that, he's a boy." She would not believe that it was actually him singing. The more awesome part is that I think he sings it better than the actual singer.

Nick Pitera you ROCK!

Aladdin

There are more; they are worth watching!

Righteous Indignation

I'm hoping that everyone has seen the news on the FLDS women and their kick ass hair. As part of the religion their hair reflects their righteousness. The trick I hear is in the swoop; the higher you can get your swoop the better you are than the rest. Who knew, I just thought it was a new style trend going through the compound; I'm predicting blue and lavender as this seasons colors. I wonder what summer will bring?

With all this swooping talk I began reflecting upon my own style. What does my look say about me? Does it say what I think it says? After combing through some photos, which I will not post, I came to the conclusion that my style is best described as schizophrenic hippy chic. I realize I wear a lot of flowy skirts, yes I will be shopping, and very high heels. The picture in your head is correct and it ain't pretty and god dammit I can do better.

Confession - I have a blog crush

I have a confession to make. I have a blog crush. Not a creepy, stalker, kind of crush. My blog crush is on dooce.

What and how do you have a blog crush? You have to agree to any or all of the preceding statements.
A) You can't wait to read what they post next. B) You want to be friends with them. C) If you met them in person, blushing might occur.
I speak about this crush as if we were long lost friends, sitting in a coffee shop catching up.
I laugh at her posts as if she is telling them to me over a glass of wine. I check her site frequently, posting comments with the hope that she will one day visit our blog, and want us to be permanent guest writers. At which time we will sit in a coffee shop and laugh about how funny it was that it all started when I posted about having a blog crush on her.
dooce, or can I call you Heather? Ok, Mrs. Armstrong?

We will laugh about it someday, right, after we get past the creepy awkward conversation?

Will you touch me inappropriately?

I was just told about an amazing fetish I knew nothing about.

Elbows

Yes, there is someone I know that works with a compulsive elbow toucher. She was even reprimanded at work for touching peoples’ elbows inappropriately. I guess it made some very uncomfortable.

I really want to go to her work and ask to be touched inappropriately. I’m curious what a full elbow caress would entail. Maybe I'll go down and taunt her with my elbow. I’ll have it all exposed and fully lotioned. I’ll let you know if she takes the bait.

God I love strangers and their super questions...

Yesterday I was having a "I'm fat and ugly" kind of day. These days are almost always followed by a mile long to-do list. As if you must expose yourself to every circumstance known to man just to make yourself feel even worse.

By the end of the day I was snarfing down 2 very large burritos from Taco Time, cause why the hell not right? I had also changed into my casual wear, aka... shlumpy sleep attire, for a very cold soccer game. It's good thing I had my 20 extra pounds of insulation to keep my ass from getting frost bite.

And then at the end a magical and wonderful stranger walked up and asked "where did you get your pants?", at first I thought this was some cruel joke..but no..."I was just wondering because I want a pair!" You want shlumpy I feel so fat pants too? Fantastic...! Then overcome with emotion I leaned in for a hug. She quickly walked away. Do you think she will call? I really hope so...I love her!

It's like comparing apples to tiny little rotten pieces of fruit lying smashed in the ground

"I told them I'd come back. I told them I would come back. They wouldn't let us. They wouldn't even let us get our luggage. They had us get on the bus, no questions, nothing. Like Hitler. I felt like we were the Jews."
You, their mother, allowed them to be locked in closets and deprived of food, and allowed your daughters as young as 13 were forced into sexual relationships with 50 year old men.

God forbid they speak out and tell someone, god forbid they leave, if you leave the ranch, you tell her that outsiders would "hurt her, force her to cut her hair, to wear makeup and clothes and to have sex with lots of men."
The world of "evil and deceipt" came knocking on your door, and took hundreds of your children – from infants to teenage mothers – that had been abused by the people they saw as family and moved to an old Army-fort-turned-museum, which you relate to a Concentration Camp.

Can you compare your experience to this?

You are comparing what is happening to you to a time in history that witnessed 15 million military personnel die in battles, 18 million people die as a result of the war, 11.5 million people exterminated (five million Christians and 6.5 million Jews).

There was an to this continues to be immeasurable pain and suffering amongst millions of people because of this.

Do you really want to go there?

And....

VS.

Right, I see the comparison.

You dirty little thief...

Recently a mother had her 10 year old son stand on the street holding this sign

This sparked mixed emotions from passerby's. Many were outraged by this mother's actions. I on the other hand applaud her. Not only was this little shit caught at more than one store stealing, the police would do nothing. Is she better off looking the other way until he is eligible for juvy or making him responsible today for his actions?

I say hooray to this mom at least she is taking the time and energy to teach him right from wrong and not making lame excuses like so many parents these days.

15 Years in Prison

So I have been baffled for days about this. And unfortunately this story hits so close to home. Recently a gambling ring was discovered in Utah, yes I know, so scary, what is the world coming to, and 5 people may be charged with a second degree felony and serve up to 15 years in prison. And what are the sentences for those that kill animals, abuse children, beat their wives, and rob a bank?
Why would we want to legalize gambling in Utah? It is only legal in 48 of the 50 states, must not be a good idea. In 2007 the revenue from gambling is expected to exceed 10 billion dollars. Why would we need that kind of money when President Bush is handing out such a generous economic stimulus package.
But back to the real issue, why are these people being plastered all over the news as if they murdered someone, yes gambling is an addiction and can cause pain, but honestly, 15 years in prison, is that really necessary, when crimes of more horrific nature are treated practically in the same right, if not a lesser sentence.
I only hope that they put some money away in an off-shore account so that after the 15 years - they can spend some of that tainted money.

Could group marriage work?

Group marriage as a lifestyle has got to have its perks. I like the idea of having multiple people running my household, bringing in more money for home improvements, food, clothing, trips, etc... I wonder if a modern person could make it work? My home would have both males and females; I’m not getting left out of having a pool boy, yum.

Must poses:

Fun personality
Lucrative or useful talent/occupation
Sound mind
Moderate looks

Could you place an ad of this sort? I wonder who would respond?

Women, don't forget how to treat your man...

I gagged a little just writing the title cause this article is nauseating, What Keeps a Man Crazy in Love . I stopped reading it because I instantly had the urge to kick someone, mainly the person who wrote it, but really anyone would do.

It names every quintessential thing that women are supposed to do to be a "good girlfriend/wife". What if I don’t care? What kind of person does that make me?

I care for my husbands overall happiness but I will not morph into some stepford wife that wants’ continuous sex and says things like “whatever you want honey.” Can we please get away from these obvious tactics? I don’t need to learn to golf, like to watch football, be a nympho, or any other nonsensical thing to keep my man happy!

M.I.A.

I have been missing in action for a while, although I had a brief moment of weakness and posted expressing my anger and irrational behavior, then deleted it, like it never happened.
Don't you wish you could take other things back that easily. Has my anger subsided, no, do I still feel irrational, yes, am I terrified, absolutely, who the hell wouldn't be, but what can you do?
Shocking as it may seem, I have tried to keep my emotional outbursts to a minimum, for fear that I may be too much to take, there are only very few people that I can allow myself to be that vulnerable with, and even then, I worry and feel regret as soon as the words jump out of my mouth, and the tears hit my face.
One one hand, I feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but my optimism has been somewhat misguided lately, so even with that, completely afraid to even show any kind of hope for fear, saying it out loud, will immediately spark the opposite.
Thank you to those of you who did not shake their head at my anger, throw out their destructive criticism, those who did not shy away from my tears, and just listened. I am grateful, as that is how it should be, and only hope I can ever return the favor.

PS. I have changed my name to Eighty eight, it is a CB handle for Love and Kisses, I am a lover not a fighter. No more of this Drama Queen crap, I am not ashamed of my emotions, so why give myself a name like that, eh?

Why do I care?

This weekend I have second guessed myself more than any other time I can remember in recent history.

I go through conversations I have had and wonder if it was "correct" to say this or say that. I really don't know why I am doing this or what sparked it.

Why do "we" care if someone approves of us or our actions? Usually I do not; I am not sure what is different right now?

Unless I know I'm being a complete dick, why should I replay my words? If someone claims they are a "friend", how much judging is usual, or should I say tolerated?

Anyways kinda random, just having an odd weekend. I think for the time being I am going to stick to home and avoid as much social contact as possible.

It's a Big Step For Me!

I have decided to hire a babysitter. "So what" you are probably saying. Well, I've never had someone who is not related to me watch my kids in 6 YEARS!
Truthfully, I don't trust very many people with my children.
I have recently decided though that it's important to have the extra help. I called the girl today and we are going to have her come over next week for a couple of hours in the evening. I know things will go well, but I already have a stomach ache. I keep telling myself she's 22, she's CPR certified, she came highly recommended, but I'm still nervous.
Tell me to chill out, tell me I'm a freak, tell me my kids will be okay and this really is not that bad.

Who am I to judge?

When did Imy daughter's school tonight and was greeted by an unfamiliar face. She was sitting on the floor with 2 kids on her lap and was teaching them about the importance of cleaning up after themselves. I see my little one listening to her and cleaning up her mess. Instead of thinking I really like her, I overlooked all the positives and immediately judged her because she has 2 lip rings, black hair and a skatish looking outfit.

As we walked to the car I ask "how do you like your new teacher?", "she nice", "oh, that's good." Why had a jumped to the conclusion that she was unfit to watch my child? What right do I have to judge without any other reason than her appearance. Which I should add, I had, oh wait still have a facial piercing of my own.

This really bothered me, I don't want to become that person as I age. I hope to make my judgments with reasons, reasons better than she has a lip piercing. I'm going out tomorrow and getting some kick ass tattoo just to try and maintain the cool, hip chick I thought I was.

Turning fear into action

I am so tired of hearing stories about children being abused, raped and murdered. I fear for my own children and cannot help but wonder what kind of world we live in? More than likely it is no different than when I was a kid, but I can't even comprehend such injustices.

I have been contemplating my options and believe that their best chance for safety is mainly on me as a parent while they are younger. I have the privilege of knowing who they are with and controlling their contact with others; as they get older that will change.

A few years back I learned how to fight. Let me say as a girl it was liberating. I was never taught to throw a punch. The first time that bag made a beautiful crisp sound, it was music to my ears; what an adrenaline rush. I realized how much I enjoyed it and decided then that my children wouldn’t be learning at such a late age.

I am anti-violence, but I will always advocate personal accountability first. Keep yourself out of dangerous situations, but if you find yourself in trouble, you better know how to kick some ass.

Some families have mandated piano lessons, my children will have mandated fighting lessons, that’s the same right?